The rainbow after the rain

So the last couple of weeks have been tough, to say the least. Moving your entire life to another country is really hard, no matter what your expectations, and it takes a while to adjust. I felt like I did everything I could to prepare, and tried to be as realistic as possible once I arrived, but it's still been really hard. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm miserable all the time, or that everything is awful...it's just that a lot of normal things suddenly become really difficult, and when you leave your family, friends, country and life all behind, it can be hard to pick yourself up after those things the way you would at home. Safe to say, the last couple of weeks have felt like a bit of an uphill struggle in many ways. I had been praying every day for a breakthrough, just something to really encourage me and keep me going, because I had started to feel like I was running really low on energy and finding it hard to carry on.

And today, that breakthrough came.

I woke up this morning with a sore throat, a headache, and the beginnings of a cold (not an ideal start), but I went to church anyway, planning to sleep it off later in the day. On the way there, I was listening to this song by Kari Jobe, and these lyrics really stood out to me:

"When I waited so long, when my tears were my song

With my hope nearly gone You held me God...

Your songs have never stopped

You've been singing, always singing over me"

This song is so full of joy, and I found myself thinking, 'I can't wait to be in that place again where I feel that joyful, and can truly praise Him for how He has come through for me'. I imagined myself being back in Exeter (I'm going back for a visit in just under 5 weeks) and feeling that bubble of happiness because I know He has carried me through. I've always thought I would have these amazing stories of incredible things He has brought out of this year: of how I trusted Him and He used that for His glory. But so far I don't have any miraculous stories like that. And it made me feel like I was wasting my time.

I arrived at church, and immediately someone came and started chatting to me, and she remembered me from my visit with Mum in July. I sat next to a lovely woman through the service, and another lady came to pray for me as well, so by the time the service ended I was already feeling encouraged. But after the service, so many people came and introduced themselves, and were just so friendly and interested: there was no reserve or formality, they were just so eager to welcome me in. People were introducing me to other students, and constantly coming and introducing themselves and asking me about my studies and where I was from. It turns out the woman I was sat next to works for a group called Agape, who - amongst other things - organise events for young Christians in Rennes, and she quickly asked if I wanted to be involved, and someone else came came up to me and another student and asked if we would like to be in a small group. I was really keen to get involved in church, but - as with everything else over the last few weeks - I thought I would have to go through a long and arduous journey in order to get it. The relief of having someone else take the initiative, and do all the organising on my behalf, was incredible. The combination of feeling so included, people's friendliness, and just the fact that people would literally be lining up to introduce themselves or would readily join in a conversation to make sure they didn't miss saying hello, meant that I left really feeling like I was on Cloud Nine. I know it sounds like such a small and insignificant thing, but I had spent weeks feeling like the awkward foreigner, and feeling so frustrated that everything was so hard and seemingly everyone was against me, that people going out of their way to include me, and not waiting for me to ask but offering help readily was honestly the most refreshing thing in the world.

As I walked away, I just couldn't stop smiling. I put my headphones back on, and listened to the song again: except this time, I really related to the words. He had brought me that breakthrough I had been praying for and eagerly awaiting, and I felt for the first time truly happy in France. I'm glad there wasn't anyone around, because I was singing along under my breath and laughing to myself all along the pavement...it was all I could do to keep myself from dancing down the road!!

This is definitely not the end of the difficulties: rather, the end of the beginning, but God is finally starting to show me what I might be doing here. And He's already taught me that hard as it is doing admin, and making new friends, and adjusting to a new culture...joy is always found in Him, and Him alone. Those other things going well all help a lot, but the only thing that has given me true joy here is a real connection with Him. If I have that and nothing else, I can be happy, but I have found that if I have everything except that, I never am. It took stripping everything else away, removing every other support, to make me realise how firm a foundation He truly is.

Sorry that this has become such a ramble, but I needed to share it, and often these kind of things are hard to properly explain!! But let me leave you with one simple thing I've learned through all this pain. Whether you know God or not, wherever you are in life, whatever you feel you need: believe. I promise He will come through for you, however long it takes.

Imagined communities

I had a seminar last week where we talked about the concept of 'imagined communities'…basically the idea that there's no such thing as a genuine community in today's society, because we have so few face-to-face encounters with people, and that all our group identities come from 'imagined' communities. For example, every time the Olympics come around everyone is glued to the TV screen and shouting encouragement at athletes who can't hear them, like crazy people…and why? Because we want Team GB - I'm starting to feel patriotic even just saying it - to do well, and because we identify with Great Britain as a nation. But how many people in Great Britain do we actually know? Less than 0.01% (and even that is assuming you know 6400 people…no one's that popular). Even the way we want to standardise, define and protect our national languages comes down to this desire to share something with others in our nation, and distinguish ourselves from other nations. It all comes down to the idea that all communities are actually products of our imaginations, formed by shared interests between members and the exclusion of outsiders, to give us a sense of belonging and security. There's no such thing as a 'real' community.

How depressing.

Much as I respect the theorists who have put forward these ideas, I beg to differ. Yes it's true that we use language, nationality and other things to create a connection with others, and have a tendency to exclude others from these groups in order to make ourselves feel more included - this is a basic human principle which we can see in social groups everywhere. But I believe I have seen and experienced a true community, where the members are bound together by the strongest connection there is, and which strives to be fundamentally inclusive, not exclusive. Someone at my church here in Exeter said the church as a body should be 'exclusively inclusive', meaning that we should be nothing if not inclusive of all people. We should strive to love each other as Christ loves us - which is a lot - but also seek to love people outside our little clique which is the church just as much, and draw them in to our unimagined community.

When we're scared, we as humans seem to do one of two things (or most of the time both simultaneously, which never works…good one guys); either push people away out of fear and an instinct to protect ourselves, or blindly reach out for someone to hold on to. But what about when the people we reach out for don't catch us? Is that why we're so quick to shut down in order to protect ourselves? How do we change that instinct?

There are many things I'm passionate about, and one of the biggest is the church and community. I could never fit all my thoughts in to just one blog post, so consider this an introduction to what I hope will be a series of posts on people, belonging, church, relationship and how we find God in all of this. I'll talk about what I love about different communities I've been part of, what I struggle with, and what I think God has said to me about it all over the years…hopefully all in a concise and non-blabbery way. Hopefully.

I hope you enjoy it :)

'That's my new favourite thing!'

Anyone who knows me will know that I say phrases like 'that's the best thing ever!' or 'they're my new favourite person!' WAY too much, and I also over exaggerate pretty much everything...so much that I don't think this phrase actually carries any weight any more coming from me. Pretty counter productive, but there we go.

Having said this, the reason why I continue to say it is because there are so many things I see around me that excite me…an incredible film or book or TV series, a person who inspires me, a really clever or hilarious YouTube video; I find something new every week. So to break up the serious, reflective posts I have been writing lately (sorry about that, it's just what I seem to be writing at the moment!), I thought I would share a few of my latest crazes with you, because the only thing you want to do when you find something amazing is tell everyone about it, and make them love it too!

1) Enya. The music of Enya has always held a kind of magic and mystery for me. Enya herself is Irish, and sings all the songs herself, layering her own voice to make it sound like a choir, in Irish, Latin, and even some of J R R Tolkein's languages; and she lives in a castle called Manderley, like in Daphne du Maurier's Rebecca.  Many people associate it with Lord of the Rings, and for me this element of fantasy is coupled with nostalgic childhood memories, and a sense of wonderment; my Dad used to play it on long car journeys to see our family, so I associate it with open countryside, adventure and getting back to my roots. Recently I've started listening to The Very Best of Enya, which is perfect for making me feel uplifted when I'm working at uni! Some of the songs are upbeat, some are melancholic…but all are wonderful.

2) Jack Whitehall. Although I have watched so many programmes with him in now I'm starting to recognise jokes, he's a great story-teller and a fellow exaggerator, and has that unique ability to be able to truly laugh at himself and see the funny side of things. Everything he says comes out of daily life and is so relatable (think Michael McIntyre-esque) and his sarcasm and over the top description of events is completely my sense of humour. I watched the entire hour and a half of 'Jack Whitehall Live' in one sitting at uni…then I looked up, realised what the time was and quickly got on with my work. I was only meant to be on a 20 minute break.

3) Dove's Summer Glow. I have used this tinted moisturiser for a few summers now, and every time I use it people ask me where I've been on holiday; they always look very surprised when I tell them I've been to the Lake District or somewhere! If you use it every day it builds the colour up naturally, without being streaky or too orange, and then when you get to the colour you want you start using it every other day, and it stays pretty much constant right through the summer. Definitely worth a try.

4) How I Met Your Mother. Apart from being really funny, I just love the idea that the entire show is the main character telling his children about his life in flashback. I love the sense of destiny and hope in it, and the moment when we FINALLY saw the Mother for the first time in 8 seasons, after all these really subtle clues and side stories was truly momentous. And this final season is just amazing, finally getting to see Ted meet his future wife. It's so unusual to tell the story from the future backwards, but I love the way it shows how tiny little moments and decisions can change your life, and the feeling of all Ted's relationships eventually preparing and leading him towards one person. Go back and watch a selection of old episodes to develop a real love for the characters, and make sure you watch all the episodes with the clues in before watching Season 9! (yellow umbrella, that's all I'm saying.)

5) my John Lewis card. My friend Rosie discovered this gem; basically sign up online or in store for a membership card, and then a couple of weeks later your card will arrive…along with a book of vouchers for a drink and a slice of cake each month. And it's all FREE. Our initial reaction was 'what?? That can't possibly be right?!' but it really is! Rosie, Milla and I went for our March tea and cake the week before the end of term (on a side note, I can't believe my second term is over already!) and all 3 of us got a large luxury hot chocolate - the voucher says it only applies to regular drinks, but the lady who served us said it just got too complicated and so now it applies to large drinks as well! - AND a huge slice of cake (Milla even managed to find some gluten-free cake!) which would have costed about £6.50 each, but we got it all for free. Enough said.

6) About Time. I've been wanting to watch this film all term, and on my first night back at home I finally got to. It's now one of my ultimate all time favourite films that I have ever seen in my life and in the whole universe EVER. It made me laugh out loud, break down in tears (and I don't just mean a little giggle or silent tear, I mean full on hysterics and total sobbing; the kind that's only acceptable in front of your family or best friends), all the while gently feeding me a philosophical life message, without forcing it down my throat. I love Tim, I love the relationship between him and Mary, I love that the element of time travel is more of a side story than the main focus; but most of all I love this film's honesty. Cheesy though it sounds, it inspired me to live every day as though I had come back to this one especially, as if every day could be life-changing. I hesitate to use such strong terms, but I really cannot recommend this film highly enough; it's just so lovely. I can't do it justice here without spoiling it…once you've seen it, come and talk to me about it (if you have the time!) and I will tell you all my favourite quotes.

Why the weird title?

I think the first post I do really needs to explain my slightly ethereal, pretty out-there blog title (find a huge mug of tea and a really comfy chair, this could be a long one). I sat down one Wednesday afternoon (I'm trying to better use the often wasted time which is a Wednesday afternoon!) to create my blog, and my first job was to think of a name; I googled, brainstormed, procrastinated and scribbled until 2 hours and 3 pages later I had managed to get down every idea I could think of for my name. I read back over them and ruthlessly (you will discover if you continue to stick with this blog that I can be quite a ruthless person!) scrapped the worst ones, and started to notice a theme emerging. I looked back over my notebook with all my musings to date in it, and saw the same theme there.

I have always been convinced that there is more to life than we are aware of on a daily basis, and that these little pockets of wonder point to a place other than the one we live in. I feel like there is something in each one of us which longs for somewhere else; a longing that is most apparent when we glimpse beauty. Not superficial beauty, but real beauty, whatever that is for you; music, books, family and friends, art, nature, food, love, poetry…something that makes you think ‘these things don’t fit with this world I live in, there must be something else’. My blog is all about this something else.

I wish I had known C S Lewis, as I think he is something of a kindred spirit of mine. He put it like this:

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world”

Lewis is most famous for giving us The Chronicles of Narnia (which just happen to be my favourite books ever…and I like books), and in The Last Battle the characters and Aslan see the old Narnia pass away, and they enter the new Narnia. This is how he describes this new country;

"It is as hard to explain how this sunlit land was different from the old Narnia as it would be to tell you how the fruits of that country taste. Perhaps you will get some idea of it if you think of it like this. You may have been in a room in which there was a window that looked out on a lovely bay of the sea or a green valley that wound away among mountains. And in the wall of that room opposite to the window there may have been a looking-glass. And as you turned away from the window you suddenly caught sight of that sea or that valley, all over again, in the looking-glass. And the scene in the mirror, or the valley in the mirror, were in one sense just the same as the real one: yet at the same time they were somehow different - deeper, more wonderful, more like places in a story: in a story you have never heard but very much want to know. The difference between the old Narnia and the new Narnia was like that. The new one was a deeper country: every rock and flower and blade of grass looked as if it meant more. I can't describe it any better than that: if you ever get there you will know what I mean.

It was the Unicorn who summed up what everyone was feeling. He stamped his right fore-hoof on the ground and neighed and then cried:

'I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now. The reason why we loved the old Narnia is that it sometimes looked a little like this. Bree-hee-hee! Come farther up, come farther in!' "

I believe that what I think of as the 'something else' and what Lewis is describing with the 'new Narnia' is also what Jesus talks about in John 14 v 4 when he says,

"You know the way to the place where I am going"

We are so mesmerised by beauty and beautiful things because they are examples of Heaven seeping through to Earth, and they remind us of our homeland, the place we were created for. In this blog I will write about the things of life which inspire me, and point me towards God, Heaven and this 'deeper wonderment', and seek to put words to the things I see and the emotions they invoke. I hope they help you in whatever small way to figure these things out for yourself, and that you read them and think the same thing I do when I read other blogs, 'THAT'S what I wanted to say!'